Sunday, March 14, 2010

No James Cameron - No

Okay seriously - do we really need to have Avatar re-released with additional footage in theatres? No. Why not just re-release Pocahontas in Imax with a blue filter? Okay fine I promise not go to on this time.

Anyway - Cameron thinks it'll be good ol fun (read: I NEEDS MOAR MONEY) to re-release Avatar with cutting-room floor footage because the original 162-minute original release just wasn't long enough.

"James Cameron and Fox are in discussions about re-releasing "Avatar," primarily in 3D theaters, in late summer -- and, tantalizingly, with additional scenes that had been left on the cutting-room floor in the rush to ready the epic for its Dec. 18 release. "

Okay, so what is really gonna be there to see except for the sex scene that has you all a flutter? You know who you are. Dirty birds. Let me just say - if we have learned anything from "extras" on the DVD: deleted scenes were deleted for a REASON. Cause they suck. Please stop giving this man money. In fact just go see Hurt Locker and create some sort of new culture based on that so that we're really sticking it to him. Cause lets face it, this shit needs to stop:

Friday, February 12, 2010

Valentine's Day Review

So Jenn and I haven't hung out in a bit and I was all like - lets go see Wolfman, and she was all like - pass...I really want to see Valentines Day.

Well that pretty much made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. The thought of chick flicks make me nauseaus. The thought of seeing chick flicks in the theater on or around Valentines Day makes makes me think that I'd rather contract herpes. That being said I WILL go see SATC2. I'm a complete hypocrite.

This whole review will spoil the movie cause that's how I roll. Avert your eyes now if you plan on seeing this at all cause I'm about to rip the shit out of it LOL.

So Valentines Day - if you didnt see the random star studded posters on the subway you probably didn't even know this movie existed. But oh yes it does. It reminds me very much of that other "way too many movie stars in it" movie - He's Just Not That Into You.  Here is most of the cast:

Jessica Alba - Please stop being a blonde. It doesnt work sweetie. Who is your stylist? Cause they hate you.
Jessica Biel - When the hell did she lose 90lbs? Give this girl a sandwich!
Bradley Cooper - Jenn thinks hes hot. What the hell else was he in?
Eric Dane - I dont know who this person even is. I think Jenn said: He was in Open Water 2. Like I watched that.
Patric Dempsey - Wasn't this guy on ER? I did like him in Enchanted.
Jamie Foxx - OH GOD I hate this guy...He just rubs me the wrong way.
Jennifer Gardner - They're rebooting Electra. How do you feel about that? Fail.
Topher Grace - I miss That 70s Show
Anne Hathaway - Girl has one big mouth. I wonder if her and Julia Roberts got together to compete to see who could stuff more in their trap.
Ashton Kutcher - Someone remind me why this guy is married to a grandma again?
Queen Latifa - She's so awesome.
Julia Roberts - see Anne Hathaway comment.
Taylor Lautner - GO BACK TO TWILIGHT
Taylor Swift - zomg. This girl I'll discuss later. She gets her own discussion point.
Emma Roberts - Me: Oh, that girl was Emma Roberts. Jenn: I didn't even recognize her. The last time I saw her was in Dog Hotel. Me: Yea I know I couldn't tell it was her eithe...wait..did you just say you watched DOG HOTEL!?

Okay so I have 3 discussion points: 1) the Good 2) the Bad 3) the motherfucking Ugly

1) The Good
As much as I would LOVE to say otherwise, there were some good points to this movie. #1 being Queen Latifa, #2 being Anne Hathaway and #3 being Ashton Kutcher.

Queen Latifa wasn't in it for very long - then again when 20 Hollywood actors are vying for screen time what do you expect. But she managed to have the hands down best line of the movie. It was so good that I cant remember it and its not available in IMDB memorable quotes but it was funny. Trust me. I got nothin.

Anne Hathaway plays this girl 2 weeks into a relationship with Topher Grace. I used to know a kid named Topher in grade school. He used to come to class wearing a full out Star Trek uniform. It had a badge beam up thingy and everything. Nerd. But I digress. I'm totally not a fan of Hathaway's "acting" but she was actually pretty decent in this movie. She did a lot of different accents playing her part as a phone sex operator, and it was actually really well done. Maybe she did some method acting for this role to really get into it.

Ashton, Ashton, Ashton. Why are you so pretty? There is just something about you...and its not your acting, no no. Perhaps its your smile. Perhaps I was waiting for you at any point in the movie to stare directly at me, break the 4th wall and say: "Niki, You Got PUNKED!!".

Alas that didn't happen. But at least in this movie he was something to ogle at. I'm not even sure why I don't lean towards any of the other guys in this "everyone is hot except for George Lopez" flick...I've even confessed that I'd make out with Lauter if you gave me the chance, but there was just something about Ashton in this movie that was just hands down yummy.



2) The Bad 
Someone tell Jessica Alba to go back to being a brunette please. Someone? Help me out here.

This movie was LONG. At 125 minutes it was about 125 minutes too long. Seriously it felt like I was sitting in the theater FOREVER. Even Jenn was like: is this movie THAT long? Yes Jenn...yes it is. It was one of those movies that just dragged on forever and I was like: I get it...love sucks, no one is happy - LET'S MOVE ON!

There were so many fails in this movie - everything from glaringly obvious continuity errors to just bad dialogue and story line.

There is one point in the movie where Jennifer Gardner's character leaves to San Francisco to surprise her boyfriend Patrick Dempsey who is supposed to be there doing heart surgery when actually he's still in LA with his wife and kid. So Jennifer gets on the plane...then we see her in the hospital Patrick is supposed to be at but he's not there. The nurse then tells her that he has an early dinner with his wife at a particular restaurant. THEN Jennifer confronts him in an extremely passive aggressive scene that could have been executed much better. What ever happened to throwing wine in a man's face? Instead she tells his wife at the table that the chef's special  is chopped testicles shoved back into the pig's anus. Whatever. My point is - SHE GOT ON A PLANE TO SAN FRANSCISCO! There is no scene where she gets off the plane, no scene that describes shes staying in LA. It takes like 6 hours to travel to San Fran! That's what like 19 hours after you go through US security? How the hell did she get back fast enough to disrupt his early dinner? BAH!

And there were some incredibly weak story lines. The worst was the one with Eric Dane who plays an over the hill NFL Quaterback who comes out of the closet. I get it. The entire movie he's like: I want a family...kids...maybe football isn't for me. Then in a press conference hes like: I'd like to announce...I'm gay. (oooooh!) Jaime Foxx: So, does that mean you're retiring from football? Eric: No. I'm Gay and I'll play.

There's that bad dialogue. And this is ALL set up just so they can get the money shot - who is Eric Dane gay for? Thats right: Bradley Cooper. There I ruined it for you.

Seriously everyone in the audience of the theater was like: SQUEEEEE!! HE'S GAY!?  I was like: AHA! HE'S GAY!!!

So...this pretty much had nothing to do with the rest of the movie. The whole story line was just so the writers could be like: you know what'll make the girls in the audience scream? Make the two hottest guys GAY! And it worked. You win this time Hollywood. This time.

3) the motherfucking Ugly
 All that needs to be said is Taylor Swift.


That's it. She was SO FUCKING BAD. Please God, please hear me when I say never let Taylor Swift act again. Ever. I think its best. How about instead of letting her act again you just give her like 5 more Grammy's and she'll realize that that is where her talents lie. Her lines consisted of: to Lautner "That's OK baby, you're still hot." and to Gardner "So I was like, talking to my boyfriend this morning and the doorbell rang and I like totally thought it was my boyfriend but then I like opened the door and there was like *snort* this totally huge bear, yea! Like a huge bear and he wasn't there *snort*."

Everything about her in this movie was just ridiculously awful. Please...don't be like Madonna, Beyonce and Mariah Carey. Cut your losses now while no one cares and before you make a complete fool of yourself.

Overall this movie was sadly watchable, mostly because a lot of the really bad scenes were inter-cut with the amusing scenes. But FML if Jenn puts me through another movie like this again.

True friendship everyone is when you go to see a movie like Valentines Day with your friend...when you'd much rather be gouging your eyes out with a lead pencil.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Things to Put in My Belly

Man, sometimes I think the whole world is so delicious...until someone shows me a pickle. Gross.

Now those of you who know me know that in the last year I lost around 70 lbs. Then I gained 28 back. I now consider myself around 8 lbs over my comfy weight. But whatever I look fucking rad. LOL.

Before:
After:
 
















I swear most of the weight was in my hair.  And my ass. Anyway, I just want to lament about the wonderful things I'm missing right now because I'm determined to drop 8lbs before Mexico (I HATE YOU P90X!!). And in advance, yes, its likely the entire list will be composed of mostly bacon products.

Taco Bell Cheesy Double Beef Burrito Stuffed Sausage Log 

 That looks delicious! And do I need to really explain it? Its a sausage stuffed with more meat and cheese.

 I'd hit that in the face...with MY face. And maybe some ketchup.

 

Bacon Caramel Corn

Okay, so my friend Amanda actually did send me a recipe for this and I COULD make it...however I'm wicked lazy and so I can just be content to drool over it and complain that I haven't eaten it yet.

I have a big hard on for popcorn and to combine both caramel and bacon on it pretty much sentences me to regain all 70lbs back. But I think if its gonna happen it may as well be bacon popcorn induced.

 

Bacon Cinnamon Rolls

Ben was actually the first person to make these for me. THEY'RE AWESOME!! I know some people can be wary of the sweet and the savory but that just means they haven't tried these yet. I pretty much had to force one down Mike Frolick's throat before he ate it...AND LOVED IT!

Next time you buy the Pilsbury cinnamon roll things, just throw some bacon on in there, and think of me.

 

Maple Bacon Cupcakes  

This is a one way sexy invitation into my pants. MAPLE. BACON. CUPCAKES! I know what you're thinking: ewww.  But no, oh no no. Many cupcakeries around town are starting to sell these as one of their regular flavours they're THAT delicious. Find one, eat one, then send one to me. 

 

Maple Bacon Donuts

Okay so take what I wrote above and just replace "cupcakes" with "donuts". OM NOM NOM.

 

 

 

Chicken Fried Bacon 

Oh yes, yes that is mayo as a dipping sauce. Lets break this down: 

1) chicken - yes   

2) fried - yes  

3) bacon - hellz yes.                               


Bacon Toffee

Mmmm toffee. I think this would make a good stir stick for my morning tea.

Bacon Salad

I think this one may work well on my diet because I mean, there's lettuce, tomato, maybe some celery. Its healthy!!


Sunday, January 24, 2010

Pinchy is Famous!

This is my friend Amanda's cat who is slowly but surely gaining internet stardom!!

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

Disclaimer: I do not condone the making or liking of LOLCats. Everyone who knows me knows I think they're wicked annoying. However, I do like my girl Amanada and she likes Pinchy...so I guess in a round about way I like this too. Nah. They're still stupid.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell Review


Fuck you Ninjavideo! Fuck you for having this movie available to screen and knowing that I'll have enough free time to watch it while Ben immerses himself in Mafia Wars!

So awful! And I thought it was gonna be kinda a Broken Lizard type thing (and in a really bad way it was) but the difference is that it only made me laugh once as opposed to an average of at least 4 during Beerfest.

Basic premise - 3 guys: first guy likes screwing anything that walks, second guy now hates women after discovering his fiance going down on a white rapper, third guy is the good one of the bunch about to get married.

3 guys venture to go to stripclub...debauchery ensues including a horrifying scene where guy 1 has sex with a midget, then guy 3 cuts guy 1 out of his life (for about a day). Then guy 1 angers a heavyset girl, gets dosed with visine in his drink and insert disgusting poop/diarrhea scene. Guy 1 realizes what a douche he is and then apologizes in this big soliloquy at Guy 3's wedding. Guy 2 is uneventful.

There, if you've read this you've seen the movie. Congrats. I just saved you 1hr and 45 min of your life that I'll never get back again. Fuck me.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

NEW SISTER SITE!!

And its done! lets all welcome www.polishondigitalpaper.blogspot.com!! Please update your bookmarks (aahaha right like anyone has bookmarked me) and head on over!!! DO IT.


Monday, December 28, 2009

Avatar = Ferngully + Delgo + unneccessary 3D/ Sigourney Weaver

Okay, so if you've read anything I've written previously about Avatar you would know that I wasn't especially thrilled to see the movie. In fact, I was all prepared to stream it online (like most things that I don't have complete faith in - like the Men Who Stare at Goats ... I was right about that one by the way). So, with only good intentions I loaded up Ninjavideo and snuggled up to watch Avatar only to squint at blurryness until I fell asleep.


Now, maybe it was because I was tired, or just retardely bored with the first 20 minutes of the movie (okay both) but I realized that streaming it in it's shaky-cam state probably wasn't doing the movie any justice. So, I decided to convince Ben to see it at the theatre.

Theatre fail 1: Got out of the car to witness a lineup out the door. Turned around and went home.

Theatre fail 2: Got out of the car, all the way up to the ticket taker - announcement comes on that both 10pm and 10:50pm shows are sold out...on a FUCKING WEDNESDAY night. Turned around and went home.

It was about time to give up when: enter Christmas Day. Ben and I had already done the family thing on the eve, so why not spend one of the most sacred days at the movies!? YAY!! Got in line to get tickets....got in another line for seats - and finally, my movie experience.

Let me take you through 3 major points of this movie: 1) PRETTY 2) Utter predictability 3) 3D? Seriously?

1) PRETTY
My good god was I right that this movie had to be seen in theatres. I'm all for pirating the shit out of anything I can, I believe that the movie makers make WAY too much money for usually a sub par product, but this movie just couldn't be seen on through an Avatar (2009) Proper - CAM file. I'm not on the bandwagon that says that the animation is groundbreaking, because it really isn't. The Spirits Within was a movie that was groundbreaking in it's time. Now, although the animation is probably some of the best in the business - I wouldn't call it groundbreaking. But fuck is it ever beautiful. There was a movie that I saw not too long ago that I said the same thing - you don't go to see the acting or the story or any of that crap, you just go to go "wow". And I say the same about Avatar. Everything from the neon light-up plants to the crazy alien monster animals made my eyes go a little wider. It was gorgeous. Although I must say that I got a little tired of the colour blue. Why couldn't there be a nice yellow "native" or at least make them black, cause lets face it, everything from the accents to some of the beliefs in nature pretty much made the "savages" straight out of the African mother land.

2) Utter predictability
DO NOT, I REPEAT: DO NOT GO SEE THIS MOVIE IF YOU HAVE SEEN THE FOLLOWING: Ferngully: The Last Rainforest, Delgo, Halo or any Halo related type game movie thing.

I wont even talk about Delgo because I already pointed out the blaring visual similarities here: Ugh, Sometimes Hype Makes Me Sick . I will say though that the story of Delgo and Avatar is completely different BUT that's where Ferngully takes over. Observe:





Ferngully/Avatar: Guy goes to a place (rainforest/pandora), gets transformed (shrunk/Avatar) and can now fit in with the natives (fairies/Na'vi). Rides some trippy creature (dragonfly/Toruk), falls for the hot chick (Crysta/Neytiri), switches sides cause its all about protecting something sacred (beauty of rainforest/pandora) and battles the big bad (Hexxus/Colonel Quaritch). It's seriously the same fucking story. If it wasn't for point #1 then I'd tell you to just go to Blockbuster and rent Ferngully for $2.99 to see the same fucking movie.

If you've seen Halo you've seen the other part of this movie: militarism. That's just about it. Guys running around with guns and authorities that seem like they're on some sort of heavy-duty steroid mix. And while I'm here can I just say that Sigourney Weaver's acting was atrocious? I don't even care if it has nothing to do with point 2 - I was just dying to say it. God, I thought after not acting for how many years, all that acting amazingness was to build up and overflow. Well, just not so. Just not so.

3) 3D? Seriously?
Can I just say that this movie didn't need to be in 3D at all. AT ALL. This is what 3D is to me: SHIT FLYING AT MY FACE! This is what Avatar is to me: NO SHIT FLYING AT MY FACE!

Why is everyone using this medium needlessly? Seriously, if shit isn't flying at your face, don't make it 3D. Just say no. Avatar joins the ranks of the following: Up, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, Bolt, Superman Returns, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. All of these movies didn't need to be in 3D, and I think that Avatar would have been just as pretty without the fucking huge 3D glasses affixed to my face and making me feel kinda sick. Plus 3D for almost 3 hours is just fucking cruel. CRUEL I say. I don't even wear my own glasses that long in a day. Seriously. Unless some fucking Pandora insects are swooping around my head - leave 3D to the movies MADE for 3D. Like Shrek 4 *shudder*.


All in all I'm sad to say that I'm glad to have seen this movie. If anything it was visually stunning even if it had no actual plot twists, turns, or really anything interesting. You know what would have been better though? If Sam Worthington's character decided to fall in love with Sigourney Weaver's character instead. OR if he fell in love with the male native who hates him. I dont understand why Cameron is getting such praise for this but so be it. Oh, this movie is ALSO like Dances with Wolves. And Pocahontas. Shit I've seen this movie like 18 times already.
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